What is it? What does it mean? With so many definitions and meanings, one can truly drown in a sea of words. However, look at the actions, loyalty, trust, fidelity. Are these qualities presented through action, or merely expressed with beautiful phrases? Respect, kindness, understanding…how often these portrayed? Everyday? Once in a while? How often are you shown and not only told that you hold the number 1 place in his heart? How much will he sacrifice for you? How much do your tears affect him?
Demand more and one day you’ll get it. Don’t settle for fanciful phrases, grand gestures and an explosion of emotional fireworks. Wait for the warm day with some sun and maybe a drizzle of rain that keeps a smile on your face. The sentiment lasts not merely for one fleeting flashing moment, but lasts from the dawn to the setting of the beautiful sun. Let no one make your life constant storm. Wait for the calm and cleanliness after this storm.
Do you want a constant loving man? Look to one who enraptures you, but doesn’t try to sweep you from under your feet. This one won’t stay long enough to understand that you have 8 different smiles, 4 ways to wink and a mind filled with ideas just waiting to burst out and be shared with someone who can truly unlock your heart. Wait for the man who waits for you.
I don’t understand myself. Why can there never be contentment? Why does my heart keep looking when I’ve already struck gold? He’s smart, sarcastic, hilarious, caring, knows when to comfort and when to tell me to suck it up. He’ll stand up for me, laugh with me and be quite honestly so good to me.
There is another. I’ve grown up with him and his family. We are at the same level and understand each other so well. He gives up sleep and study time to talk a girl who lives half way across the world. He is always caring, sympathizes, gently dissuades, and reacts with such genuine love. I’ve already told him that I’m with another, and yet he still remains a constant friend. I have fluctuated and he stands strong. he does not pressure me to reply, but always replies with fullness of thought, humour and genuine interest in my thoughts and the discussion. He’s in Rome and I’m in Toronto.
Although one is physically closer, the other is much closer in spirit.
And here lies my dilemma. I love both. I care deeply for both. I don’t want to hurt my boy that I’m with. Sometimes I think however that I really need a man who is there through all.
What do I do? What will I do? Probably nothing. Things will run their course the way they are meant to. However, although things will eventually get to the right end, many hearts will be broken. There is no way to avoid it.
Maybe I’ll just be a nun.